keeping up with Kinney

keeping up with Kinney

Thursday, March 4, 2010

FOOD

Ok...I never like to talk about myself. Especially emotionally (this is a downfall of mine in my relationship with Adam) but I have been feeling down about myself and specifically my weight (more so recently than ever). I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. I am NOT overweight and really there is nothing terribly wrong with me (size wise) but I am not satisfied personally. It is no secret to those that are close to me, family and friends that I have "pudged" up a bit (even though they would never tell me).

When I was home for the few months between school and moving to Macon I would go to fun classes at the YMCA with my dad. I LOVED zumba! And I would actually go fairly regularly to the Y and run on the treadmill. Macon offers NO fun classes. I love to dance and that was part of the reason I took such a strong interest in zumba (it is Latin dancing) AND when I went to the Y it was encouraging to see all the older ladies doing it...I always thought "If they can do it I have no excuse" BUT I am the QUEEN of excuses ESPECIALLY since I have moved to Macon. It was easy when I was at home to go with my daddy because I had a "buddy" (oh and just FYI he didn't go to zumba he did/does other things). My sweet and wonderful co-worker, Amberly, has offered to be my workout buddy and I will probably take her up on that our next pay period. But it's like I said I am full of excuses...like Amberly wanted me to go to the gym yesterday and I said no I need to grocery shop, swing by Micheals (because I am making Adams baby cousin a present for her birthday party this weekend), paint/create the present, eat, shower, watch an hour of TV and then get back up the next morning and do it all over again. When I leave work I just dont FEEL like working out. I think I would like to try the whole working out at 6am before work. But I do not know how I can do that and get fully ready for work without being late or looking a HOT mess. (again, excuses)

I used to hate treadmills but I would LOVE to have one now. After running on them pretty regularly at the Y i conquered the fear that I was going to fall off, haha. The thing about a treadmill is that you need room for one and that is something at this time that I lack (maybe when Adam and I move in together I can get one. Can I put a treadmill in a bridal registry, haha)

But back to the food. I LOVE food. No one has to EVER worry about me being anorexic or bulimic.! All the foods that I love and enjoy are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BEYOND bad for me. I love anything fried, greasy, and sweet. And I have learned that it is HARD to pass up these cravings. I love pizzahut, wendys, chickfila, zaxbys etc. I remember the days that I used to eat dessert FOR dinner. When I was a senior in high school my prom dress was a size 0 and altered even smaller to fit me. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!?!?!

Not too long ago my sweet mom told me, "Lauren, when you were in high school you were just a girl, now you've got the body of a woman."

What gets me is that I am short, so 1 extra pound on me looks like 6lbs. I need to face the facts that I will never be taller and therefor never be able to spread the "wealth" (fat) along my long lean tall (non existent) body. I have what I have and it's a short frame. Again, I know that I am not morbidly obesit. And I know that I have a wonderful significant other who thinks I am beautiful (bless his heart) no matter what.

I HAVE TO MAKE A LIFESTYLE CHANGE. I have to change what I eat. I keep reading that when you stop eathing a certain food (bad, greasy food) that the cravings for them will stop. WHEN? I have wanted french fries sooooooooo bad for the past two days BUT I have not had them. And I am not a complete fool, I do not do the so called diet pills, mostly because I do not believe they work, but also because I know that they can be harmful. I am not saying that all are harmful I just know that they have the potential to be.

I recently have realllllllly been trying to eat what is "best" for me. For example this morning I had fat free cheese on wheat toast for breakfast, grilled chicken and spinach salad for lunch with light raspberry vinaigrette for and allllllllll I have had to drink all day is water. I have been drinking ONLY water for about a month now, with a couple of fruit drinks in between.

I am not wanting to be a 0. I want to look at myself and be happy/satisfied with what I see.

Now, the purpose of this LONG blog---
Like I said I never talk about myself (especially) emotionally. I feel like if I say it, it's true (and the truth can be depressing) writing it out for everyone to see is JUST as painfully true and depressing as if I spoke it for everyone to hear. I am going to start holding myself accountable for my eating. I WILL make a change. I WANT to make a change. And writing it makes it real. Almost like a contract. I WILL continue to feed my body healthy foods and I WILL start becoming physically active. I am NOW promising myself this. I cannot quit.

I've got the water drinking down and in check. NOW it is time to work on the fastfood :) I can make this happen.

2 comments:

  1. Awe!!! Good luck sweetie!! I wish I had the motivation...but I am just like you, cant give the bad stuff up just yet. But maybe soon...as for right now I am happy being me! And I know you are happy being you, and even though I dont think you need to change one little thing, I hope you achieve your goal!! :-)

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  2. I know what you mean about not really talking about this kind of stuff! But don't you feel better now that you've gotten it all out? My blog has become my bff! LOL I mean I wouldn't normally want to sit down and talk to someone about my weight! I mean it's just not something I do...but doing it through my blog has really helped me out...and not only has it helped me out it has helped others as well! They still continue to tell me so!

    Lauren you know you are a beautiful girl and I certainly don't think you are "pudgy" but you are right...it's about what YOU feel! Only you can make you happy when it comes to this. Adam loves you know matter what just as Jeff loves me...but even though they love us we may not feel the same way about ourselves. Especially seeing what we "used" to be and what we are now.

    I'm like you...I have continued to make excuses about working out! I mean I did it every single day before the holidays and then the holidays got here and it seemed like after that then school started and I had to do this or that or like you said I was extremely tired and just wanted to "rest". Since I've started weight watchers and lost almost 13lbs in 3 weeks! I really have A LOT MORE ENERGY! Now that I have that energy I don't really have an excuse to not work out! I have to work out. Because yes portion control is part of it...but you have to work out too. I'm like you though...I want a workout buddy too! Someone to make it fun! I mean our apartment complex has a WONDERFUL gym and of course it looks out onto the pool! LOL I am willing to work out with you for sure! Esp if you want to come over here and work our for FREE!

    I know you can do this girlie! You are a very strong woman and you can do anything you put your mind to! Also...as a quick side note...I haven't wanted "fast food" since I started weight watchers...I think of better and healthier things I can have that are just as good! So I do believe that if you don't have it you don't crave it to a point...because like you I only drink water...but there are times I want a coke sooooooo bad that I have to have it...and I do as a treat to myself! You have to treat yourself every now and then...what am I saying?? You have to treat yourself like once a week!!

    Like I said! You can do it! And I'm beside ya 100%. Good Luck!! ♥

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