FOOD

Ok...I never like to talk about myself. Especially emotionally (this is a downfall of mine in my relationship with Adam) but I have been feeling down about myself and specifically my weight (more so recently than ever). I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. I am NOT overweight and really there is nothing terribly wrong with me (size wise) but I am not satisfied personally. It is no secret to those that are close to me, family and friends that I have "pudged" up a bit (even though they would never tell me).

When I was home for the few months between school and moving to Macon I would go to fun classes at the YMCA with my dad. I LOVED zumba! And I would actually go fairly regularly to the Y and run on the treadmill. Macon offers NO fun classes. I love to dance and that was part of the reason I took such a strong interest in zumba (it is Latin dancing) AND when I went to the Y it was encouraging to see all the older ladies doing it...I always thought "If they can do it I have no excuse" BUT I am the QUEEN of excuses ESPECIALLY since I have moved to Macon. It was easy when I was at home to go with my daddy because I had a "buddy" (oh and just FYI he didn't go to zumba he did/does other things). My sweet and wonderful co-worker, Amberly, has offered to be my workout buddy and I will probably take her up on that our next pay period. But it's like I said I am full of excuses...like Amberly wanted me to go to the gym yesterday and I said no I need to grocery shop, swing by Micheals (because I am making Adams baby cousin a present for her birthday party this weekend), paint/create the present, eat, shower, watch an hour of TV and then get back up the next morning and do it all over again. When I leave work I just dont FEEL like working out. I think I would like to try the whole working out at 6am before work. But I do not know how I can do that and get fully ready for work without being late or looking a HOT mess. (again, excuses)

I used to hate treadmills but I would LOVE to have one now. After running on them pretty regularly at the Y i conquered the fear that I was going to fall off, haha. The thing about a treadmill is that you need room for one and that is something at this time that I lack (maybe when Adam and I move in together I can get one. Can I put a treadmill in a bridal registry, haha)

But back to the food. I LOVE food. No one has to EVER worry about me being anorexic or bulimic.! All the foods that I love and enjoy are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BEYOND bad for me. I love anything fried, greasy, and sweet. And I have learned that it is HARD to pass up these cravings. I love pizzahut, wendys, chickfila, zaxbys etc. I remember the days that I used to eat dessert FOR dinner. When I was a senior in high school my prom dress was a size 0 and altered even smaller to fit me. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!?!?!

Not too long ago my sweet mom told me, "Lauren, when you were in high school you were just a girl, now you've got the body of a woman."

What gets me is that I am short, so 1 extra pound on me looks like 6lbs. I need to face the facts that I will never be taller and therefor never be able to spread the "wealth" (fat) along my long lean tall (non existent) body. I have what I have and it's a short frame. Again, I know that I am not morbidly obesit. And I know that I have a wonderful significant other who thinks I am beautiful (bless his heart) no matter what.

I HAVE TO MAKE A LIFESTYLE CHANGE. I have to change what I eat. I keep reading that when you stop eathing a certain food (bad, greasy food) that the cravings for them will stop. WHEN? I have wanted french fries sooooooooo bad for the past two days BUT I have not had them. And I am not a complete fool, I do not do the so called diet pills, mostly because I do not believe they work, but also because I know that they can be harmful. I am not saying that all are harmful I just know that they have the potential to be.

I recently have realllllllly been trying to eat what is "best" for me. For example this morning I had fat free cheese on wheat toast for breakfast, grilled chicken and spinach salad for lunch with light raspberry vinaigrette for and allllllllll I have had to drink all day is water. I have been drinking ONLY water for about a month now, with a couple of fruit drinks in between.

I am not wanting to be a 0. I want to look at myself and be happy/satisfied with what I see.

Now, the purpose of this LONG blog---

Like I said I never talk about myself (especially) emotionally. I feel like if I say it, it's true (and the truth can be depressing) writing it out for everyone to see is JUST as painfully true and depressing as if I spoke it for everyone to hear. I am going to start holding myself accountable for my eating. I WILL make a change. I WANT to make a change. And writing it makes it real. Almost like a contract. I WILL continue to feed my body healthy foods and I WILL start becoming physically active. I am NOW promising myself this. I cannot quit.

I've got the water drinking down and in check. NOW it is time to work on the fastfood :) I can make this happen.